Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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