Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
