Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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