the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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