I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
