I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
