either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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