ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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