i was born a porn star she said
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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