Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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