dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
