So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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