Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
