Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
