Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
