Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Say something about gay babies.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
