I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
