She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
