her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
