Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
