I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
