eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
