some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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