cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
