Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
