And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
