Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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