Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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