I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
