my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
