I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
