There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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