He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
