I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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