if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This baby is an asshole
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My ass is underappreciated
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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