i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
