Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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