I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
