I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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