Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
