Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
