Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
