Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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