Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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