You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
