You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
