Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
