I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
