just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
