is your mom at the bar?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
